Fearful Thoughts of the Bed

I cannot do this anymore.

How many times have I repeated this phrase in two years?

The pain is almost gut wrenching.

Feeling that there is a vast chance that he’s in bed with her tonight.

Actually she’s probably in his bed right now. The bed I sleep in.

The bed I make almost every day. The bed we laugh in. The bed I consoled him in when his father passed. The bed I’ve cried in numerous times wondering who else he is seeing at that moment. The bed I can no longer sleep in because of my distrust and my own insecurities.

I have to be addicted to this pain. Addicted to whatever it is that makes me feel so happy in the moment with him.

I try never to regret anything but, I have regretted this shell of a person I became. I watch the remains of who I used to be leave me every time I accept a lie. For some reason I cannot fight back anymore.

Just like the cliche Tove Lo song, all I can do is stay high all the time. Smoke and drink to shut off the negative thoughts that at times consume me.

When did this happen? Why did I accept this situationship for so long?

I have no answers anymore. I only have a roller coaster of emotions and a bottle of Kettle One Vodka to contain them if need be.

I am hoping that writing and letting my thoughts/fears will help the harsh truth come to fruition.

I cannot do this anymore.

Unemployed and Angry

I’d like to start with maybe I am battling depression. Self prescribed.

Someone once told me when you hit 25, everything changes and you become an adult. Two days before my 25th birthday, I left my job and everything changed. It all started when things went haywire at a job I once believed in. I began to see the ugliness and cut throat mentality of most business professionals. For some reason being loyal and hard working were not attributes that this particular company appreciated any longer. Needless to say things did not work out.

I had planned on building a career there and continuing to go further within the company. After that I was very lost, still am. Its amazing how being unemployed gives you such a sense of hopelessness. As if there is no place for you in the world. I did not finish college as I did not have the funds for it, therefore was confused as to what direction I should go in. The easiest route was some sort of office assistant. Easy but not right. I felt no purpose or feelings of pride in a role like that. Nothing compared to my previous role which I was excited to represent 24/7.

I have flip flopped from job to job for about a year and a half now. In this time I had lost my apartment and moved back home. I have been on and off with the same person for two years which only contributes to my lack of confidence. Thats a blog for another day though. I have seen the astonishing gap between upper class, middle class and lower class. I have also become obsessed with Vice News which shows such real, “unvarnished” news happening around the world. Not only news but, suffering and opinions from people Americans may not understand. All of which have led to my feelings of resentment and disheartenment¬†towards society.

I know the quick solution is to get a decent career that I partially like. But I no longer want to conform. I no longer want to work for companies with no morals and lets be honest this is mainly the case. I no longer want to have a routined life with only 2 weeks off the entire year. I am not particularly a religious person and feel that our lives now are the only shot we get. Why do I have to work my life away? Why do people conform to this lifestyle and chose their ignorance? There are so many more important events happening around the world that need more attention than financial investments or selling ad space. Why do people close their blinds and seek this “successful” life solely for themselves? Is there not such thing as the human race or the greater good?

My faith in society seems to be lacking. The more knowledge and open minded I become, the less optimistic I am about wanting to be a part of it. Or that it will ever change.

I’m not sure how to fix this, or what my next steps will be. If I have to conform in order to accomplish any sort of desires, expect to see much more ranting.